Parenting Lessons (Aug 24): Is My Child Lying?
This is part of a monthly series where I share parenting lessons I learned each month.
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Is my child lying?
I’ve heard people share these about their younger rebellious days, “Whether I say the truth or not, nobody will believe me anyway. They will say I’m a liar anyway. So, I just lie.” Why bother explaining when people are not going to believe anyway? Lie also get scolded, never lie also get scolded – so simply say what people want to hear to just get it over and done with instead of putting in futile efforts to self-justify. Is this how people are coerced to get a confession in the adult world of investigation too?
This is my lesson of the month – to trust my daughter.
After the call with the teacher, I was fuming and frustrated. However, I decided to talk to her calmly after the call, right before dinner. I asked her to highlight portions of the bible that spoke about lying. And there’s a particular chapter that stood out –
“You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it.”
John 8:44
We discussed this verse and concluded we are children of God and He is our father. We are not children of the devil and the father of lies is not our father.
But somehow after dinner, while I was doing the chores and ruminating over the call, I got triggered and angry with her and scolded her – not a good response after our discussion. But a delayed reaction is an improvement from me – instead of exploding immediately after the call.
While in a sea of red, I saw her drawing in our shared diary. She drew that she had fun in school with friends and my heart softened. As I showered to calm down further, I felt the teacher could be biased. I had ignored that small voice previously (about the bias) because I didn’t want to believe the teacher could be biased against her, I wanted her to be favoured in school. Anyway, I felt God telling me to trust her.
So I told EG I would believe in her and journey with her to rebuild her reputation. I told her it’s going to be a process and not an overnight thing. It’s like how I promise them I will try not to snap at them so easily. But like I told her, I can’t stop suddenly too, but I will be more conscious and work on it each time. She might not be able to stop lying suddenly, but we could improve together.
At bedtime,
Mum: Who is your father – devil or God?
EG: God is my father.
Mum: So you have the Holy Spirit in you to speak the truth, because God is your father. You are not the child of the devil, so you wouldn’t keep lying. God will give you the grace to do the right thing and speak the truth.
I woke up the next morning with a revelation about how the miscommunication could have come about between EG and her friend and how the teacher could have misunderstood as a result.
Thankfully, I trusted EG. In any case, I wouldn’t be able to verify whatever has been said or happened. But as a mother, I told her I would give her the benefit of the doubt. At least she knows there’s someone who still believes in her and has her back in this world. So I felt a bit regretful I didn’t have this revelation when she was younger in K2. I think she would have felt more loved and supported if I had guided her gently instead of in anger and frustration. Because even if she did lie, I think or hope my grace would soften her to be a better person. Such a fine line between disciplining and trusting. Ah, yet again needing wisdom to know where to tread for parenting.
Child Lying – Is it common?
I vaguely recall lessons I learned from parenting experts, it’s developmentally normal for children to lie. The smarter the kid, the more “creative” they will be in lies. Also, sometimes it’s out of fear they lie. We should know as we reflect on why adults lie too, I’m not referring to white lies. We should target the lying behaviour and guide the children, and not simply label them as a liar and extrapolate their behaviour to someone doomed to be a bad person when he or she grows up.
The day before I wrote this post in September, when EG’s classmate told EG, “L lied to you about having so many siblings”. Then the classmate turned to me and said as a matter of fact, “Everyone in our class lies”. So that’s another learning point for her, it doesn’t make lying right even if everyone is lying, the majority is not always right. It takes courage to go against peer pressure. To speak the truth is not only for the sake of our souls, but when we speak the truth when lies are common, we become the light in the darkness.
That’s about it, thanks for journeying with me on this parenting journey. Before you go, you might want to check out my other posts on parenting. Leave your parenting tips, comments or questions below. Love to hear from you. 🙂
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