Parenting Lessons (Sep 24): Mirroring and Respectful Parenting
This is part of a monthly series where I share parenting lessons I learned each month.
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Mirroring
According to Wikipedia, “Mirroring is the behaviour in which one person subconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family, going unnoticed by both parties.”
I told my daughter that others mirror her reactions and emotions. At that moment, I was mirroring her and getting frustrated because she was screaming at the top of her lungs during one of her tantrums. However as I reprimanded her, I became sheepish. I should have been the bigger person to manage my emotions and not mirror her, instead, I should have been the rock in her turbulence of anger. As things cooled and I reflected, it dawned on me that children often mirror their parents too.
Read such a truth on Instagram and again in this Chinese book:
“孩子会模仿，会复制，从他们身上，我们很容易看见自己的真实模样“ – 当然可以不生气 （何权峰）
Translated, it means, “Children will imitate, copy, and from them, we can easily see our true selves“. Perhaps this is also why we get angry at our children at times. It could be because they reflect the part of us (or of our spouse) that we don’t like.
And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?Matthew 7:3-5 (NKJV)
Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Thus, this is the parenting lesson (which can also be applied to marriage): Instead of correcting our children and spouse, perhaps we should change ourselves. Changing what we can control (ourselves) instead of expecting others to change into our expectations might be easier.
Also in this way, we can be good role model our children can mirror. We parents can look for other role models around us to mirror, but personally, the best person for me to role model after is God. It is for me to look at the face of God and mirror His love towards my children and others. Anyway, my children can always look to God too, because I am also not the best role model for my children.
Backlash on Respectful Parenting
Respectful parenting drew quite a bit of flake recently and there have been quite a few digs and sneers on it online. Perhaps people found its related actions and script too idealistic and hard to implement in real-life situations and felt its methods are simply asking too much of parents.
One time as I read it, I was reminded of the advice given by this financial blogger. I think it is relevant here too. Many people read snippets and reports of other people’s homework on social media but don’t do the research and read up on the topic to have that deep conviction. She was talking about stock picks – buying the ‘Buy’ suggestions but never studying the companies to be convicted they can reach a certain high. So at a drop, they will sell, only to find the price shooting up to its true potential.
I find it is the same for the respectful parenting method. Many parents want quick fixes and look at snippets of advice floating on social media – without context.
I agree respectful parenting does not work for every child or parent. However, it’s best to read up on respectful parenting books (some books I recommended before) before deciding whether respectful parenting works for the family and whether it should be debunked or if there’s any good in it.
That’s about it, thanks for journeying with me on this parenting journey. Before you go, you might want to check out my other posts on parenting. Leave your parenting tips, comments or questions below. Love to hear from you. 🙂
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