Parenting Lessons (Mar 25): Being Fluid and Angry
This is part of a monthly series I did for a year, sharing parenting lessons I learned each month.
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Being Fluid
My older daughter was scared to do something that she wasn’t scared of previously. I was slightly taken aback, then I recalled how her talents and interests changed along the way as well. Then it brought back to mind something I watched in this Youku Documentary (【他乡的童年 第二季】EP03 法国) from 9:25. Quoted and paraphrased for clarity, “Children have different personalities. I think, ‘Oh, he will do this kind of job because I think he likes that.’ You can see which personality is growing in the child. But I don’t tell the parents this because the children can change. Life is long, and they (the children) can have many other possibilities. They are so young now. You don’t give judgment now. I wouldn’t say, ‘Oh, you will be a bad girl or guy because you don’t listen.’ No, each child can change, and I respect that. It is the beginning of a big story (the child’s life story).”
It’s a new perspective for me when I first heard this, because I was brought up in Singapore, where children’s paths are determined from quite a young age. Even if it is not restricted to Singapore, it is common to hear stories of sportsmen, pianists and the other elites who specialised and trained in one area from a young age.
Of course, some children have firm strengths and interests since young, where the fixed path propels him/her to success. But I also need an open mind to any changes in how my child is growing and the flexibility to accept and adapt to them. And if the children change, I need to grow what they are growing into and not fix the path based on their sprouting stage. Hence, instead of a fixed mindset, I ought to have a growth mindset towards my children’s growth.
The other day, my older daughter got on the school bus without turning back to say bye, unlike when she was in kindergarten. Her wings are starting to sprout from her back, and one day, the wings will grow out and open up to fly her away. I wonder what her wings will look like then – will it be majestic, elegant, colourful or pure white?
Being Angry
I often feel very guilty after my angry outbursts with my children. I even have another layer of shame if it’s in public, especially when I feel judgmental eyes upon us.
One day, I had an epiphany. I had an extra layer of guilt and shame because I was brought up to see anger as a bad, wrong or shameful emotion, something I shouldn’t have. Yet like sinking sand, the more I pushed the anger away, the more it stuck around. As it turns out, suppressed anger leads to more volcanic eruptions, internally or externally.
Anyway, during the epiphany, I also saw how the God of love also has His wrath. The wrath is because of love. How much we love someone is how much we hate the sin and the bad things in their life. The height of God’s love and God’s wrath are both found at the cross – love for sinners, wrath for sins.
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.
Romans 5:8-9 (ESV)
Hence, I am learning to accept that it is okay to be angry with the children, normal, and even helpful at times. If not, the mom’s guilt and shame can make us worse parents, like I mentioned in my previous post.
In fact, I need to remind myself that God gave us anger as an emotion, and there’s nothing wrong with it, just how we use it. Think knife, there’s no power by itself, but how we use it determines its usefulness or harmfulness. Thus, accepting my anger doesn’t mean giving it a green light to go ballistic. It means to be easy on ourselves, thus giving us the bandwidth to choose to express this anger in an emotional outburst or a healthier way. To do it in the latter way, we have to deal with unresolved trauma or emotions inside of us so they wouldn’t get passed down to the next generation. Like the airline’s oxygen mask advice, help yourself first before attending to the child.
That’s about it. Thanks for journeying with me on this parenting journey. Before you go, you might want to check out my other posts on parenting. Leave your parenting tips, comments or questions below. Love to hear from you. 🙂
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